"Roof Collapse" at Walmart!

I was twenty-one years old when I had my first anxiety attack.

I remember it vividly. It was in the middle of a very hot summer and I had the day off from my job. I was at the local Walmart, alone, killing time in the air conditioning while all my friends were still at work.

Strolling down the aisles, without a care in the world, I suddenly felt a strange tightening in my throat.

My brain immediately kicked into survival mode as I tried with sheer will to remove the invisible hand choking me.

“Am I having an allergic reaction to something I ate?! No, that can’t be it.”

A few seconds later, my legs went wobbly and then I couldn’t move my hands or feel my face.

It was terrifying. I thought I was going to die. Literally.

I managed to find a low, empty shelf and sat down next to a stack of paper towels or something.

As I sat on that shelf, I fought against this ambush with every ounce of my being. I wanted to find help but no one was around and I wasn’t able to move or make a sound.

Then, after a few more minutes of silent struggle, came the jewel in this nightmare’s crown.

For some bizarre reason, it felt like the roof was coming down and was hovering very close to my head.

Obviously, it wasn’t.

But for me in that moment, I was smothered by an expanse of steel and fluorescent lights and it was about to crush me into oblivion.

At that point, I wasn’t sure if I was having a heart attack or a brain aneurysm, or if I had somehow come completely unhinged, was clinically insane, and just didn’t know it until now.

And so I sat. I sat until the feeling returned to my hands and face and I could breathe again. I don’t know how long I was there, it could have been 10 minutes but it felt like hours.

I struggled to my feet and then slowly shuffled out of the store and into the blinding sun of the parking lot.

I guess no one noticed my strange demeanor because I don’t recall anyone saying anything to me.

Once in my car, I burst into tears and then finally made the drive home where I called a doctor and asked to schedule a bunch of tests and scans (none of which came back with anything, but that’s a story for another time).

Unfortunately, this was just the beginning of my relationship with anxiety attacks. We became inseparable for years and it was an ugly affair.

I slowly got better at handling them, but that first date was off the charts.

Looking back now, (from a place of knowledge and healing), I can see exactly how I mishandled that first experience and the many experiences that came after.

I did the best I could in the moment, but there are 3 specific things I should NOT have done.

Here they are:

1. I shouldn’t have fought.

2. I shouldn’t have pushed it away and cursed it and cursed myself.

3. I shouldn’t have filled up with hate and disgust over my “defective” body.

Fighting and pushing away anxiety is like ripping your smoke alarm out of your burning house, wrestling it to the ground, and then chucking it into the bushes.

Anxiety is meant to be listened to. Respected. Maybe even, trusted.

It is your own personal alarm system. You can struggle against it or bury it in the backyard but that won’t put out the fire that is destroying your home.

I didn’t understand any of this stuff back then.

Now, when I look back on this time, I feel compelled to imagine how present-day me would coach that 21-year-old girl through her terror.

After some serious thought, these are the plays I’ve come up with.

I would tell her the following:

• This is an anxiety attack. It has come out of “nowhere” because you have an excess of old, stored stress trapped in your body. (Don’t worry I’ll explain more on that later)

• Anxiety is designed to help us. It is a warning system that tells us when we are in a bad situation or that we have been hanging onto something that needs to be released - hang onto this thought!

• Acknowledge that your body is asking for help in protecting you. Thank it if you can.

• It feels like you are going to die, but you are not. These are (brutally) intense sensations only.

• The best thing you can do right now is surrender to these sensations. It’s hard because it feels horrible, but try to let them wash over you and realize that every second you can be in surrender, gets you closer to the end of the episode.

• Try to feel the ground under your feet, rub your hands together or if you can get up and slowly walk and gently swing your arms or wrap them around yourself. These actions signal your nervous system that it can come out of fight, flight, or freeze.

• Know that you are NOT defective or crazy. Your alarm system is just overburdened and overly sensitive. This CAN be fixed.

And finally … I would tell her;

It’s not your fault, I love you and this too shall pass.

My experience with anxiety attacks is certainly not uncommon and it seems that so many people do not truly understand why (diagnosed medical reasons aside) these episodes happen or how to react when they do.

It’s not easy to share stories like this one, but I will continue to do so with the hope that you or someone you know can benefit and not waste their lives needlessly suffering.

If you’d like to learn more about dealing with anxiety attacks or emotional resilience in general, book a free call with me at [email protected]. I’m happy to chat.

Thanks for reading, talk to you soon!

Laina

Ps- if you enjoyed this letter, you might like my other two as well Plentyofflak.beehiiv.com