Screwing Up Your Child’s Stress Response. 

One of my worst parenting moments happened when my daughter was 6 years old.

We were riding our bicycles, heading to the neighbourhood park. Poised at the top of a very long, very steep asphalt path, we gazed down at the colourful play equipment below.

“Let’s get off and walk.”

“No Mom! I want to ride down.”

Before I knew what was happening, she was off.

I remember the feeling of terror as I desperately yelled after her to brake.

All I could see was her speed wobbling like a bat out of hell, her helmet a blur.

I knew a crash was inevitable, I braced for it.

She made it three-quarters of the way down the hill when she flew over the handlebars and hit the ground.

The world stopped for a moment and everything was hazy and in slow motion.

I don’t remember if I ran after her or if I rode my bike down that hill.

Once I checked her over, I cradled her in my arms and told her not to cry.

“Shhhhh shhhh.. It’s okay, it’s okay. You’re going to be okay. Please stop crying, you’re fine. Look how far you made it down the hill! See? It’s over now.”

I had never heard her scream like that before and I was desperate for her to stop.

I was so consumed by my own guilt and horror, that I was unable to bear witness to her suffering and I needed her to stop processing the trauma so that I could feel better.

This was a mistake. A big one. One of many that I made with my oldest child.

At my insistence, she started gulping back her cries and was literally swallowing her pain.

Even though none of this was intentional on my part, I still feel like a POS recalling this incident. I always will.

I thought that by “calming” her I was doing the right thing. But what I was actually doing was robbing her of the opportunity to regulate her nervous system after it took a serious hit.

My own dysregulation got in the way.

We gathered ourselves together and went home, where I’m pretty sure I distracted her with a movie and some sort of sugary treat.

Thankfully she didn’t have any serious injuries and we didn’t speak of the incident again unless it was in quick, undetailed passing.

Looking back, I can definitely say that I’ve learned a thing or two since that time, and if that same accident were to happen today, I would react much differently.

When humans experience trauma (yes falling off your bike is trauma) they have a natural response, a sequence that they must go through in order to properly process the event.

I screwed up my daughter’s sequence.

As she was careening down the hill, she went into the “alarm reaction stage” - the body’s initial response to danger. This reaction occurs when the sympathetic nervous system is activated by the sudden release of hormones, including the very powerful adrenaline and noradrenaline.

After she crashed and was crying on the ground, her body continued in this mode, instinctively shaking and processing the event.

When I implored her to stop crying, I interrupted her natural ability to process what had just happened to her on a deep physiological and psychological level.

The hormones begging for release were halted in their tracks with the exit blocked. Her roller coaster had come to a screeching stop right before the big drop, leaving her system hovering in mid-air, at the apex of relief.

There is no doubt in my mind that this experience was stored in her body (along with many others I’m sure), stuffed into her fascia or organs, perhaps it’s still stuck there.

Luckily, it still can be released. We can all release old stuck trauma. But that’s a topic for another letter.

So, what would I do differently now? How would I react if that exact same thing happened again today?

My first action would be the same. I would check her for anything that needed immediate medical attention. Obviously in the case of a severe injury, taking the time to process the event is not an option at that moment.

After that, I would hold her and let her cry as hard and as long as she needed or wanted to. I would be present for her and allow her body to recalibrate through the appropriate shedding of excess adrenaline.

I would look her in the eyes and acknowledge what I was witnessing.

I’d say something like;

“I know you are very scared right now. I saw how fast you went down that hill. I see the cuts and bruises. It really hurts, doesn’t it? I see that you are going to be okay. I am here to help you.”

Anything that I could observe, I would softly and kindly validate what she was feeling.

If she brought up the accident the next day or even months later, I would stop what I was doing, give her my total attention, and let her talk about it. Once again mirroring and reaffirming her feelings.

I would not put alleviating my discomfort first and together we would get that roller coaster back down to its platform.

Every day, we learn more about nervous system dysregulation and thank God for that.

We know how it is caused and the terrible repercussions it can have on our lives, our happiness, and our potential as humans.

New research points to nervous system dysregulation as the reason behind many chronic ailments. Things like; severe anxiety, depression, auto-immune disorders, ADHD even gastrointestinal issues are all linked back to dysregulation.

This is actually really positive news because achieving regulation is possible for anyone. To do so doesn’t cost a tonne of money and the methods used are non-invasive. (again, a topic for another letter)

So, we can avoid the fate of dysregulation for our children.

Allowing a child to come in and out of their natural stress response is just one example and it’s a good place to start when we are new to the concept of regulation.

That’s all for now, I hope you found some value in my story, and thanks for reading!

See you next time.

Laina

PS - If you’d like to chat more about this topic please feel free to book a call with me.

PSS - For some not-so-common tips on dealing with anxiety, be sure to check out my free guide.